My Life in Black and Gold

Bye Week Blues: Hockey, Bengals, And That Bitchin' Polamalu Commercial

2008-10-13T16:01:00.000-07:00

How much do I hate football this week? Well, the Steelers are on a bye, and because of the cruel gods of fantasy football, I need to root for Jamal Lewis tonight (actually, I'd rather just wave goodbye to the league fees than pull for the Browns).

So with football kicking me squarely in the crotch of my Toughskins, I'm instead going to focus on hockey. Actually, I'm going to focus on our buddy Jim focussing on hockey. You see, before there was Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers, there was Yinz Luv 'Da Guins. It's all the insight and awesomeness you've come to expect from Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers, but with more ice...

But for those who still need their dose of Stillers, Jim's doing double duty. This week, he uses the bye week to check in on the sad, deluded indivduals who choose to follow other NFL teams...

And because I'm a giving soul, I provide the following links of dubious origin:
- I knew this commercial was rad. I did not know it was directed by David Fincher, which makes it even radder...

- So where the hell is Limas Sweed? You know, the guy we took in the second round who is now officially number 5 on the wide receiver depth chart. Well, he suited up for the Jacksonville game, but will likely be deactivated for the Cincy game. The problem? Holding onto the ball.

- How bad are things for our next opponent? Even Canada calls them the Bungles.

- Another opinion: "We're pretty much inept." -- Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski

Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers: Week 4

2008-10-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

My pal Jim is back with another episode of "Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers," this time with some inspiration for the sagging offense. As always, Jim delivers, so check it out, then go over to MySpace, friend him, and enjoy the weekly goodness (ya jagoffs).

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

2008-09-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

In a move that surprised no one (except those of us eagerly awaiting the return of Frank Pollard), the Steelers once again signed Najeh Davenport to help fill out a backfield that lost its first, second and third strings guys in the span of eight days. Najeh worked out for the team this morning and signed his new contract this afternoon (presumably he'll celebrate at Fat Heads tonight). That sound you hear is the rush of millions of fantasy football owners scurrying to the waver wire to snatch him up (come on, a guy a who didn't make the squad this summer and has now been tapped to play behind a depleted offensive line is a total sure thing... Don't call me a homer... Why are you still looking at me?). It's a solid move -- he knows the offense, he's in playing shape, and you really can’t say no to the star of "Full Clip"...

The Steelers are expected to sign Gary Russell from the practice squad as well, torpedoing my plans to shoot an audition tape this afternoon (dismantle the obstacle course, kids... No, I don’t care what you do with the tires... Just throw them in the river).

Davenport and Russell will likely step into the depth chart behind Mewelde Moore and this guy (great speed, but I worry about his size).

Steelers RB Woes: The Shallow End Of The Depth Chart

2008-09-30T09:17:00.001-07:00

Few things feel as good as a win over the Ravens, but last night was costly (not just because I stayed up too late and overslept this morning, though that's kind of a bringdown too). Willie Parker was already sidelined, but Rashard Mendenahll and Carey Davis were knocked out as well (which I think makes me the team's starting running back). Some people are suggesting we check back in on Najeh Davenport (he knows the offense, though he may have already sold all his Steelers practice gear on eBay). But why stop there? Here are a few other familiar roads the Steelers might want to travel down:

Walter Abercrombie

Pros: A legitimate threat as a rusher and receiver (well, 20 years ago, anyway). Plus, his old jersey number 34 is suddenly very available.
Cons: Despite what the WDVE playlist might indicate, it is no longer 1988.

Tim Worley

Pros: Collegiate stand-out and 7th pick overall in the 1988 draft who showed tremendous promise. Injuries held him back from fully reaching his potential (hey, he's due!).
Cons: Probably best to avoid anyone who's been tasered in the past 6 months.

Bam Morris

Pros: His size was always more important than his speed... And let's face it, while he might not be any faster, he's most likely plenty big. Plus, he's eager to play, telling reporters two years ago, "If the Steelers would want to sign me, they wouldn't have to even buy me a plane ticket to get there. I'd drive."
Cons: Welllllll…

Barry 'Bananas' Foster

Pros: Racked up almost 1,700 yards and 12 100+ yard games in 1992. Smart enough to retire with money in the bank, and stayed involved in football coaching in Europe. And he's still just 39 (that's not old, right? Right?)
Cons: Ok, it's old.

Frank Pollard

Pros: Lumbering tank of a man who placed the Steelers on his shoulders and rumbled through the '80s (even with Mark Malone as his QB). Bonus points for the Lamb Of God track "Terror and Hubris in the House of Frank Pollard."
Cons: None. He's Frank f---ing Pollard!

Dry Your Eyes, Steeler Nation

2008-09-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like a crap Steeler performance to darken your week. You have to wait a full week for redemption, or in this case -- with a Monday Night Football matchup against the Ravens on deck -- the stench of game 3 will linger for eight long days. Mornings seem colder, work days feel longer, and every paper jam seems to happen to you.

Clearly, we all need a pick-me-up. Maybe a bouquet from FTD, or a delightful coffee treat? No, this calls for something a little stronger.

How about this?

Yes, that's it. Suddenly, all is right with the world. See you Monday, Baltimore.

STEELERS-EAGLES: WEEK 3 REP_RT

2008-09-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

In case I had f_rg_tten h_w much I hated the Eagles, they were kind en_ugh t_ sh_w up yesterday and remind me (if _nly the Steelers _ffensive line had sh_wn up as well). Let's face it: it was ugly… like meth addict ugly. It was a sick d_g _f a game mercifully put d_wn by the final gun. Thank g_d f_r the Ir_n City bucket specials at Texas-Ariz_na.

If y_u assumed that str_ng games against the Texans and Br_wns were an indicati_n that all was well in Steeler Nati_n, think again. Might be time t_ re-evaluate that line… _r at the very least, surr_und Ben with barbed wire f_r his _wn safety. The _ffensive perf_rmance was s_ weak _n every level, that the highest grade any unit g_t fr_m the P_st-Gazette was a D f_r the receivers. The defense sc_red Bs acr_ss the b_ard and managed t_ keep it cl_ser than it had a right t_ be. But that anemic _ffense perf_rmance c_upled with a gameplan that had many a Steeler fan scratching under their hard hats (where's Mendenhall? where are the quick slant r_utes? why was there n_ answer t_ the Eagles blitz?), and we're lucky we g_t every_ne _ut alive.

Next up, the Ravens. Much is being made _f the fact that the Ravens are "at_p the AFC N_rth." As a reminder, they've played all _f tw_ games, s_ keep y_ur purple helmets in check, bird watchers.

And yes, there's no "O" in the above post… just like the Steelers attack yesterday.

Send in the Browns

2008-09-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

I could try to sum up last night game's, but Jim at Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers has perfectly distilled three hours of human drama (and the decades of turmoil that preceded them) into a breezy 6 minutes...

Now don't get me wrong -- very few things feel as good as beating the Browns. But before we all get tendonitis whipping our towels around, remember, it's the Browns. It's not like we beat an actual professional team. And honestly, we didn't look that good -- dropped passes, some lack of fire on the line, and Ben's strongest performance of the night might have been the stiff-arm he gave Andrea Kraemer during that interview (certainly cooler than that "Red Shoe Diary"-worthy performance she gave Tom Brady). I'm willing to file the Texans and Browns under "pre-season games 5 & 6"... Things will be a bit tougher when the Steelers head to Philly next week (and by the way, what's with the Steelers playing the Eagles in the pre-season, and then again in Week 3??? Was that 16-10 shoot-em-up so captivating that we need a sequel? And isn't the point of pre-season scheduling to test yourself against teams you'll NEVER see in the regular season? Somehow, I blame Buddy Ryan).

Oh, and do yourself a favor and head to YouTube and subscribe to Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers or visit Jim on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/yinzluvdastillers. Pure gold.

Steelers on Hollywood Blvd.

2008-09-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

They say that Steeler Nation travels well. Sometimes, it also travels begrudgingly.

As has been the case for the past few years, the Steelers season opener found me in an alien zip code. Last year, I was perched at a bar near the front of Palms resort and casino in Las Vegas watching the Steelers knock Charlie Frye straight out of Cleveland (I was supposed to be making script revisions in our teleprompter). This year, I was in Hollywood, but instead of watching the game by myself, I decided to check out the Hollywood Steelers Fan Club (yeah, there is such a thing). I stumbled across the club while shooting the Iron Man premiere at Grauman's Chinese Theater earlier this year. The club literally sits right across the street from the theater, and their banner -- and the fact that they set up shop at a Hooters -- caught my eye (it was either that or listen to Terrence Howard). It was April, but they were still flying their banner. I didn't know if I'd ever be in town during football season, but I made a mental note just in case (and by "mental note," I mean "a fleeting through that was eventually washed away by Jack Daniel's").

But there I was last week at the Roosevelt Hotel, the kind of LA hotspot frequented by fedora-ed douchebags and the Russian models who love them (think "The Hills," but with more Eurotrash). By the end of my week there, I was ready for what Bill Hicks called "the cool, beautiful serenity called Arizona Bay... when L.A. falls in the f---ing ocean and is flushed away." The upside was that the hotel was about a half a block away from the club (well, that and the room service burgers... there's very little that a 2 a.m. cheeseburger can't cure).

I adjusted our show day schedule to ensure a late start on Sunday, making sure I could catch at least the first half with Hollywood's black and gold faithful. They did not disappoint -- the place was packed, there was vintage gear on the walls, and many chants of "here we go Steelers" (and the bartender, Ruby, didn't hurt either). I was literally hoarse by the time I got to work. According to Toogie, the founder/head chef/spiritual leader for the group, it was actually a scaled back event -- there's usually music as well, but he hadn't pulled that together in time for kickoff. The sea of Terrible Towels more than made up for it (as did Ruby... did I mention her yet?). Before my BlackBerry died for the weekend, I managed to grab some fuzzy, dimly lit photos as evidence. Please to enjoy.

Flying the colors:

Vintage gear:

The view from the back:

Me and Toogie:

Steeler Nation Travels Well

2008-06-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

A lot of people (and by "a lot of people," I mean my parole officer) have noticed my absence around these parts. Have I given up the blog? Am I no longer living by the black and gold ethos? Am I chained to a radiator somewhere? Rest easy, friends. Between mourning the passing of Myron Cope, Dwight White and our once potent pass rush, I've been a bit sidetracked.

So where have I been? The short answer is that I've been working (the long answer involves a lot of info that you may be encouraged to cough up to a Federal prosecutor at some point, so we're all better off sticking with the short version). This work takes me to some exotic, breathtaking locales. Inspired by these surroundings, I did what any good Steeler fan would do -- I stood in the middle of them waving a Terrible Towel (consider it my off-season workout).

CANNES, FRANCE -- 5/16/08

It's the pinnacle of international filmmaking, host to the most celebrated filmmakers of our age. It's where Oscar winners are unveiled and where blockbusters play to their first packed houses. It's the Cannes Film Festival, the most renowned film festival in the world. And now it's officially been all Steeler-ed up. (Important note: I didn't get my picture taken with Harrison Ford, but I did manage to get this shot… because I'm an idiot.)

UP NEXT -- MONTE CARLO

Life Without The Steelers... It Ain't Pretty

2007-10-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

The Steelers bye week gave me the chance to check out what the rest of the NFL calls football. It wasn't pretty...

BROWNS 41 - DOLPHINS 31
The Joey Porter-enhanced Dolphins D gave up 41 points to the Browns as the fish slipped to 0-6. Probably not the return they were looking for on their $32 million investment in Joey. Through six games, he doesn't have a single sack, and yesterday, he was beaten for a big TD by longtime verbal (and sometimes literal) sparring partner, Kellen Winslow, Jr. No doubt, if there was a "lemon law" in the NFL, the Dolphins would be towing Joey back to the lot right about now.

PANTHERS 25 - CARDINALS 10
Apparently a top-op somewhere slipped up and accidentally rolled game footage from 9 years ago. That can really be the only explanation for the fact that I was seeing Kurt Warner and Vinny Testaverde behind center.

CHIEFS 27 - BENGALS 20
You know why Tony Gonzalez went bananas this week and put up two touchdowns? Because I traded him away in my Fantasy league. You're welcome, Kansas City.

PACKERS 17 - REDSKINS 14
Even when Brett Favre stinks, he's kind of great (or at least great enough to beat the 'Skins).

EAGLES 16 - JETS 9
This game was ugly... Like "Teri Hatcher without makeup" ugly. I realize that we live in the shadow of the Meadowlands, but Fox 5 really should have shown some mercy and cut away to a "M.A.S.H." rerun or something.

VIKINGS 34 - BEARS 31
Remember the old days of the NFC Central (yeah, "Central"), when hard-nosed teams played hard-nosed football... You know, with defense and everything? For a second, I thought I was watching two kids lighting up Madden '08.

BUCCANEERS 13 - TITANS 10
Conventional football wisdom says that games that come down to a last-second field goal are exciting. Sometimes, conventional football wisdom is wrong... painfully wrong.

JAGUARS 37 - TEXANS 17
And they laughed at me when I drafted Maurice Jones-Drew in the third round. Who's laughing now? Mr. 129-yards-rushing-and-two-touchdowns, that's who.

RAVENS 22 - RAMS 3
I missed this one... Did the Rams miss the player bus from the hotel Sunday morning?

CHARGERS 28 - RAIDERS 14
This is supposed to be the place where I say something about "the real LaDainian Tomlinson" finally showing up and racking up four TDs. Instead, since I'm bitter that he's not on my team, I'll instead ask if the Chargers offense allows anyone else to touch the ball.

SAINTS 28 - SEAHAWKS 17
I said it last week, and I'll say it again today: the Seahawks suck. I bet they miss Brian Bosworth.

Winning Baseball Coming To PNC

2007-10-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

Cheer up, Bucco fans. Championship baseball is coming to Pittsburgh. Yes, the Yankees will travel to PNC next season for a series against the Pirates (so by "championship baseball," I mean "overpaid wildcard contenders who wilt in the clutch"... which still sounds better than that swan dive the Mets took).

From today's Post-Gazette:
The Yankees are scheduled to visit PNC Park June 24-26 for a three-game interleague series. The Pirates twice have played at Yankee Stadium in interleague play.

So the Pirates will manage to sell out at least three games next season. The number could swell to four if they book another post-game Styxx concert.

Check out the complete story here.

This Just In: Willie Parker Still Awesome

2007-10-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you spend the better part of your day daydreaming about revenge fantasies. So imagine the rich, creamy taste of vengeance and vindication that Willie Parker savored when he hoisted the Lombardi trophy high above his head after Super Bowl XL and thought about the rocket scientists who benched him in college:

How does a different kind of competitor respond when he can't compete? That's what Parker faced at UNC, where he barely played after coach John Bunting took over in December 2000 and decided Parker needed to put on weight to comply with the team's new power-running offense. "We were tough and hard when we first came in," says former UNC running backs coach Andre Powell, now at Clemson. "We knew Willie was talented; we just wanted guys to do it the way we wanted it done. In retrospect, I wish we'd been more tactful."

Unless "tactful" is some form of new-fangled slang for "able to assess pure football talent," I don't quite think coach is using it properly. Though football smarts like this make this guy a shoe-in when the Giants head coaching gig finally opens up.

Check out the whole story at ESPN.com.

An Important Message...

2007-09-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

Week 2 Wrap-Up

2007-09-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

NFL WEEK 2 POWER RANKINGS
1. Pittsburgh Steelers: an offense that moves at will, and a defense that doesn't budge... Plus, Mike Tomlin looks like he could break off his foot in your ass
2. O.J. Simpson: still a viable threat after all these years
3. Steve Smith: single-handedly pulling my nads out of the fantasy football fire
4. Pats, Lies and Videotape: eclipsed by O.J., but still an early front-runner for scandal of the year
5. the Cincinnati Bengals defense: the funniest thing I've seen on TV since "30 Rock"
6. Brett Favre: what is this guy, 80? who's laughing now? not me... I kept him on my fantasy bench
7. chicken fingers: still my go-to call at halftime
8. The Hand of God: Jon Kitna says "a miracle" wiped away his concussion symptoms... I say the miracle is that the Lions are 2-0
9. Larry Johnson vs. MySpace: hard for this story to find light behind the Pats tape library and O.J.'s return to the pokey, but any story that involves someone impersonating a star athlete is gold... One that involves them impersonating a star athlete on MySpace and cutting a hip-hop track is pure platinum
10. Kanye West, "Stronger": yes, he needs to quit whining, but this is the jam... I mean, he's no LJ, but he's got promise

WEEK TWO FANTASY FOOTBALL BREAKDOWN (I'm in two leagues, so twice the tragedy for me to recap for you each week)
League 1
P. Manning QB -- 21
M. Barber RB -- 20
M. Jones-Drew RB -- 4
M. Furrey WR -- 6
J. Galloway WR -- 25
S. Holmes WR -- 5
T. Gonzalez TE -- 4
N. Kaeding K -- 2
Steelers DST -- 6
TOTAL -- 93
Monday morning quarterback sez: despite Manning, Barber, and Galloway, I still lost by 15... My team has all the depth of a season of "The Hills."

League 2
M. Leinart QB -- 14
F. Gore RB -- 20
D. McAllister RB -- 3
S. Smith WR -- 33
H. Ward WR -- 5
T. Gonzalez TE -- 4
R. Gould K -- 9
Steelers DST -- 10
TOTAL -- 98
Monday morning quarterback sez: despite Deuce not showing up and Gonzalez killing me in two leagues, I'm currently up by 45 in this matchup... my opponent still has Brian Westbrook going tonight, but unless he touches the ball on every single snap -- and takes up kicking duties -- I think I'm in the clear.

Lost Vegas

2007-09-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

You: Where the hell have you been?

Me: See above.

That's Josh from Queens of the Stone Age and Cee-Lo playing with the Foo Fighters in a hotel room on top of the Palms. I was in Vegas working the Video Music Awards (no, I had nothing to do with the Britney thing) for a couple weeks there... a span that included the opening weekend of the NFL season, which raised a bit of a dilemma: do you bet the Steelers?

My daily work wanderings took me past the Palms sportsbook roughly 10 times a day. I'd stand there, glassy-eyed, like Chubsy Ubsy licking a bakery window in a Little Rascals movie. The line was too good to be true -- the Steelers were a 4-point favorite over the Browns... a measly 4 points... and the Browns were starting Charlie Frye. It was like the Palms got tired of holding all that cash, and decided to give it away. I spent all week telling anyone who had ever heard of the NFL that it was the lock of the week, and that they should drop as much cash as they could scrape together on the game. But could I take my own advice?

Now, I have no problem loading up on Steelers in my fantasy football leagues (frankly, it's just not fantasy football unless I've got the Steelers D). But so far, I've been far too superstitious to plunk down money on the outcome of a Steelers game... It just feels like the ultimate jinx. But by the time Sunday rolled around, the promise of such a sure thing (combined with a week's worth of whiskey and a pep talk from my boss) had eroded away my superstitions. I had decided to bet it, and bet it big... Like, Artie Lange big. Like, "I'm going to get my kneecaps smashed and lose the house if it doesn't pan" out big. Sunday morning rolled around, and we all moved into position for rehearsals. Just had to get through the morning rehearsal, then get over to the sportsbook to bet the black and gold. Of course, I hadn't really taken into account that the morning in Vegas is kickoff back east, so by the time rehearsal wrapped, the Steelers had already opened their can off whoop-ass, and Charlie Frye was already on his way out of Cleveland. There would be no monstrous bet, no huge Vegas payday, and no chance to "make it rain" at the Spearmint Rhino (unless I was going to do that with nickels, which the ladies usually frown on). And because I'm a tool, I'm taking the whole thing as confirmation of my superstitions... It was not my own stupidity that kept me from placing that bet, it was the football gods. Well, the football gods, and the good folks at the Jack Daniels distillery, working in conjunction to cloud my mind.

Sunday Night Steeler Thoughts

2007-08-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

Some random notes, thoughts, and observations from last night's preseason game against the Eagles:

- Madden says he doesn't believe all the talk about the Steelers opening up the offense this season. Where was he when I was picking up Santonio Holmes in my fantasy draft?

- NBC goes to commercial teasing their interview with Mike Tomlin while playing U2's ode to Martin Luther King, "Pride (In the Name of Love)"... subtle.

- Tomlin tells Andrea Kremer, "The tape will tell the story. It doesn't matter what we say. It's about what we do." This is the kind of quote 'Burghers chisel into their lunchboxes. I love this guy already.

- Steelers Quiz: which nightmare-inducing QB of years past was Ben most like on his lame duck INT?
A) Cliff Stoudt
B) Mark Malone
C) Kent Graham
D) Bubby Brister
YOU MAKE THE CALL!

- The D swats at McNabb, prompting the wife to declare, "Splat. Take that, stupid Eagle." She's on the short list to replace Madden some day.

- Wow, a 14-yard punt. What round did we draft this kid in? Oh, the fourth. Super. We should have grabbed a crazy Australian giant, like the Eagles did.

- There's nothing like seeing the one-man offensive assault known as Dan Kreider rumble downfield... It's like watching a bull on ice skates.

- "Is Faneca rocking a fucking moustache? NICE!" Yes, the wife has found something else to be excited about.

- A great effort by Heath Miller wiped out by a bone-headed effort by Parker. Penalties, turnovers... Well, the tape is telling the story so far.

- Parker redeems himself with a TD run that I have to rewind 10 times on my Tivo to savor the complete beauty of it. Everyone picking up their blocks, Willie careening through them... Truly a majestic sight.

- Najeh turns a screen pass into a 33-yard gain. And they laughed at me when I picked him up in the 15th round of my fantasy draft. Yeah, I'm a homer... sue me.

- "The Eagles have nice helmets, until you realize that it's a big bird, and then it just seems kind of gay." And thus the network cools on the idea of putting giving the wife a mic on live TV.

- Are the Eagles really trying to ice the kicker in a preseason game? I'd call it moronic if it hadn't almost worked. Even I am not enough of a homer to put Reed on my fantasy roster.

- Wait, who's that guy in the end zone? Kevan Barlow? Where's he been hiding?

First roster cuts coming today, with the final wave coming Saturday. Most interesting moves should be at RB, where Barlow, Davenport, Carey Davis, Verron Haynes, Gary Russell, John Kuhn, and Larry Croom are all vying for a spot on the roster behind Parker. Again, I vote for the return of Frank Pollard.

Steely McBeam makes me Angry McHate

2007-08-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have asked me I think about Steely McBeam. It's not lost on me that these people can't say his name without laughing... not a good sign.

Reaction within the black and gold fan base ranges from "what the hell?" to "what the f---?" My response is unprintable (not because it's obscene, but rather because there's no word for the deeply wounded and disappointed groan that escaped my mouth when saw SM for the first time... yes, his initials are S and M). Honestly, I'm hoping that the collective groans of Steeler Nation send him back into mothballs by week four.

But just in case the Steeler brass don't want to give up on this whole mascot thing just yet, I pulled together a list of potential replacements (since it's only a matter of time before an irate tailgater sends Steely tumbling into the waters of the Monongahela).

Manny Primanti - A giant foam tribute to the 'Burgh's favorite sandwich. Imagine the joy as youngsters scramble to pick up the stray fries and slaw strands that drip from his overstuffed innards as he runs around the stadium.

IC Man - Instead of drawing inspiration from the gay steel mill depicted in "The Simpson," why not poach the spirit of Springfield's Duff Man? There's only one thing that could make a Steeler fan happier than a can of IC -- a GIANT can of IC.

The Chief - A loving tribute to the patron saint of all things Steelers. He could even hand out cigars to the kids.

The winner of the PNC Park Pierogie Race - It would give Oliver Onion a reason to run, and bring Pirate fans closer to a "playoff atmosphere" than they've been in over a decade.

Frank Pollard - I mean, he's probably available.

less talk, more rock

2007-08-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dear baseball players,

We all know you aren’t actually going to fight, so enough with the mound-charging. I have watched you try to fight on repeated occasions, and it's sad... Just sad. It cropped up again on Tuesday when the Toronto Blue Jays (still holding a grudge because A-Rod had the gall to pull a "Noonan" on third baseman Howie Clark back in May... Seriously??? Come on, Howie) threw at A-Rod for the second game in a row. A-Rod approached pitcher Josh Towers, the benches cleared, much yelling abounded, but not a single punch was thrown, which is pretty much the case with every baseball "altercation." It's like that scene you see about 10 minutes after last call -- two beer muscled jackasses yelling "you want a piece of me?" over and over again, but neither of them actually manning up enough to take a swing. I mean, one of you is actually armed with a bat and a helmet... If that's not an invitation to an ass-kicking, I don't know what is.

At least NBA players actually fight... Granted, they look like flailing middle school girls while doing it, but they do indeed fight.

Somewhere, Chuck Norris weeps.

the beginning of the end

2007-08-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

Brady Quinn ended his hold out Tuesday, ending one long nightmare for Browns fans, yet starting another for Mr. Quinn himself. He'll rake in $20 million over five years, though reports optimistically note that the sum could "grow to $30 million with incentives." Unless he managed to factor in bonuses for each individual fracture and additional incentives for time spent scraping his carcass off the turf, I can't really imagine it coming to that. Quinn is now reportedly finally on his way to Cleveland to meet his teammates, at which time I imagine he'll ask for even more money (admittedly, I wouldn't move to Cleveland for a penny less than $45 mil). Some important notes on this story: this guy was the #22 pick overall in the draft, he reportedly had a piss poor showing in minicamp, and the Browns are STILL PAYING HIM. I mean, $20 million for a guy who could wind up sitting behind Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson on the depth chart? Ah, Cleveland -- always making the funny happen (well, except for Drew Carey).

In other news, former Steeler Joey Porter underwent arthroscopic surgery on his right knee Tuesday morning. Not exactly the impact the Dolphins were looking for when they shelled out $20 million for him. He's expected to be out for two weeks. Look on the bright side -- his mouth still works.

it's good to be back

2007-08-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

Oh sweet hot mustard, it's good to have football back. More specifically, it's good to have winning football back. Yes, it's just the preseason, but the Steelers looked sharp (something they never, ever seem to do in the preseason... I'm used to saying, "It's ok, we still have four more games to work out the kinks" at this time of year).

Yes, pitchers of beer, chicken fingers and a Steelers offense that could move the ball at will... Surely life doesn't get much better. A recap of the night's more pleasant surprises:

- slow starter Ben Roethlisberger playing like it's week 6

- human punchline Cedrick Wilson becoming the go-to guy downfield

- RB Carey Davis doing his best Barry Foster (minus the rampant injuries)

- William Gay's first impression: an interception and a hit on Robert Meachum that landed him a spot in heavy rotation on Sportscenter

- tough D over the middle, most notably from rookie LaMarr Woodley (and to think, after the days of David Woodley, I thought I never wanted to see that name on the back of a jersey again)

- the crowd at Texas-Arizona, where more than 100 Steeler fans came out for a preseason game... yeah. Tell me we aren't ready for football.

- and, of course, the quote of the night: "If Cowher was still here, we'd only be up 9-7."

let's get it on

2007-08-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

Nothing like pre-season football to make people excited for literally no good reason. I, of course, am one of them. The Steelers start things Sunday night against the New Orleans Saints (thus, officially ending my sense of goodwill towards that city). It is the Hall of Fame Game, marking the first time a Saint's been to Canton since Archie Manning (don't hold your breath, Bobby Hebert). More importantly, it's the beginning of Tomlin time in the 'Burgh. "I've sat in the backseat and passenger seat enough," Tomlin told the press about his debut as a head coach. Let's just hope there's an airbag on the driver's side.

Don't show up late, since the starters are expected to play the first quarter, then trade in their helmets for baseball caps. We should get a first taste of the new, pass happy offense the team's been hinting at throughout camp. We will not, however, get a first look at first round draft pick Lawrence Timmons. The rookie LB will sit it out with a groin injury. Between injuries in spring drills and training camp, he's managed to make all of two and a half days of practice. Now, I have a little management experience, and an absentee rate like that would concern me. However, I don't have the football seasoning of Coach Tomlin, who isn't sweating it yet. "He has a lot of ground to make up, but he has time to do it," the coach said. Interesting. I'll remember that the next time I skip out on two months worth of work.

I'm also looking forward to Sunday night's game, since it will mark the end of a working weekend. Yes, I'm working through the weekend. Even better, many of us have been required to come into the office, but the company was unwilling to pay to have the air conditioning turned on, so it's about 90 degrees in here (yes, I've had worse jobs -- working a jackhammer in the summer sun comes to mind -- but it still sucks). My personal form of protest is taking the time to grind out a blog entry while in the office. Not since the heyday of Public Enemy has The Man been so boldly challenged. Sweet hot mustard, I can't wait to make it to Sunday.

the homeland

2007-08-02T16:05:00.000-07:00

I love the Pittsburgh Pirates.

There, I said it. It feels good to get that out there.

My dad used to take me to games at Three Rivers when I was a lad, pilgrimages that included staking out the players' entrance for hours waiting to get autographs (who knew Phil Garner drove a VW Rabbit?). These were the days of Dave Parker, Omar Moreno, John Candelaria, Jim Bibby, Kent Tekulve, and the final days of Willie Stargell's career (I actually remember him blasting a shot to the base of the right field wall, but moving so slow that he almost got thrown out at first). Later, I made a solo drive all the way across the state of PA to attend game 6 of the 1991 NLCS, only to see Andy Van Slyke watch strike three go by with the tying standing on third (in the form of Gary Varsho, of all people). And, since then, I've watched as the team has slid to... well... it's current state.

That childlike joy bubbles up when I go back to games back in the 'Burgh, and I felt it again when I went back last weekend to see the Bucs and the Astros. It was an amazing trip, courtesy of the Mrs (a belated birthday trip -- we tried earlier this year, but got rained out) complete with bobbleheads, fireworks and even a Pirates win (and how often does that happen?).
There are so many things that are totally great about -- yet in a weird way make me feel completely bad for -- the Pittsburgh Pirates:

- a mere 25 bucks gets you three rows off the field, sitting tightly on the first base line, secure in the knowledge that your taunts are loudly settling into the ears of the visiting right fielder
- the random "here we go Steelers" chants that get going during Pirates games
- the fact that the Pittsburgh sports legend whose jersey was repped more people in the crowd than any other was Steeler Jack Lambert
- the interest (bordering on fever) in the Pierogie Race... There was more crowd noise for Oliver Onion than for a number of the Pirates starters.

It is, of course, the Steelers town, so I'd be remiss if I didn't mention some key sightings (and the fact that I dined at Bettis' restaurant... with portions seemingly selected by the Bus himself). Friday night at Morton's, I sat next to Steelers Director of Football Operations Kevin Colbert. He declined my offer to take a special consulting role with the team, despite my years of standout work on SteelersNYC.com. And on Sunday morning, I ran into Max Starks on the street on his way to the gym. In case you had any doubt, 6'8", 337 lbs is a lot of fella... it looked like they took three of me and welded it together into one guy. No, I did not ask for a photo. I did, however, take photos of the following:

Yes, there is currently a display memorializing the Immaculate Reception in the Pittsburgh Airport. I don't know what took so long either.

The glorious view of PNC Park from the Roberto Clemente Bridge... so beautiful, as long you're far enough away to not actually see the Pirates.

Willie "Pops" Stargell in bronze... the statue is actually faster down the first base line than Willie was.

As long as I was in the neighborhood, had to visit Heinz Field.

Basking in the glow of a rare Pirates win.

Whacking the parrot... is that a euphemism?

2007-06-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

No matter where you stand on the Great Sopranos Debate, there's no way you can deny the appeal of a mascot eating onion rings. I know this clip's gotten a lot of play -- I first saw it on Keith Olberman's show (a rare bit of national exposure for the Bucs) -- but I'm sharing it now anyway… do your best to get over it.

Undoubtedly I'm biased, but I prefer this spoof to the one Hilary Clinton's campaign cooked up. She gets mad points for landing Johnny Sack and the carrot stick gag was worth a chuckle (yeah, I have been known to "chuckle"… again, get over it), but they got too much wrong… and you can't beat the sight of the pirate waltzing through the front door as "Don't Stop Believing" begins. I guess that means I'm voting for the Parrot in '08.

But if none of this appeals to you, I offer classic footage of a Canadian daredevil:

Newark, Vegas, L.A. and Back

2007-06-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't it? It's not that things have been quiet. Work shipped me out to Los Angeles last week, but not before I took a personal detour through Las Vegas for Memorial Day weekend. Truthfully, the trip had more to do with the Chuck Liddell-Quinton "Rampage" Jackson fight than it did the holiday. Among the trip's highlights:
-- seeing Carrot Top get denied entry to a bar that had just called last call
-- Vince Neil getting a tattoo in the front window of his own tattoo parlor on the strip
-- the Mirage pool
-- breakfast buffets
-- Jeff's Favorite (a knish topped with corned beef, kraut and melted Swiss cheese) at the Carnegie Deli
-- Nobu… the black cod with miso is almost criminal
-- the Sunday night blackjack run that paid for the tab at Nobu (and then some)
-- the fight… the seemingly invincible Chuck Liddell taken out in the first round in a dramatic upset win… the energy in that place was insane
From there, it was on to L.A. for a week of work, which included a visit to the set of the upcoming Iron Man movie (where I actually got to check out his armor and geeked out a bit), a night at the MTV Movie Awards (where I heard the worst pick-up line ever: "You're cute, but you're probably an asshole"), and a lot of time stuck on the 405 (all the more time to listen to the new Queens of the Stone Age album).
So yeah, while it all left me sunburned, it didn’t leave a lot of time for blogging. If it had, here's what I would have blogged about over the past two weeks:
-- the genius of Ask a Ninja interviewing Will Ferrell and Jon Heder
-- whether Vegas attracts skanks, or just brings out the skankiness in otherwise normal people
-- that whole Steelers porn-gate thing (about as salacious as life gets in the house of Rooney)
-- the fact that the Steelers are vowing to up the importance of tight ends in their offense, prompting me to shut my mouth
-- the excellence of the aforementioned Queens of the Stone Age album

a tale of two quarterbacks

2007-05-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

the mad genius of Mondesi's House turned up this gem...

yes, we're still months away from football season, but it's never too early to start clowning on the Browns. God bless you, Mondesi's House.

a punter who actually kicks ass

2007-05-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

So a couple days ago, I said that I had a hard time getting excited about a draft day that saw the Steelers take a punter in the fourth round… then, the Post-Gazette unearthed this footage of brand spankin' new Steelers punter Daniel Sepulveda sending off a towering kick, hustling down field, and knocking the common sense out of the poor sap who managed to field the kick (he's also apparently bigger and faster than the linebacker we drafted in the first round).

After watching this clip (http://www.baylortv.com/streaming/000641/300kbps_ref.mov), I'm officially not saying another word about the guy.

TE = B-A-N-A-N-A-S

2007-05-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

The Steelers trotted out first round draft pick Lawrence Timmons (NOT pictured at left) yesterday... nice enough guy, decent player, good to see him rocking the black and gold... but the big draft question of the day as the Steeler brass met the press was, "Hey, what's the deal with drafting a tight end in the third round? Especially when you already have two decent tight ends on the team and they see the ball about as often as I do?"

For those of you who don't speak football, let me try to break this move down -- imagine that you had a limited amount of cash (or in this case, draft picks). You walk into a grocery store where there's a wide but limited amount of options in front of you -- there's still plenty of cereal (in this case, offensive lineman, a staple of the NFL diet), there's some ok cuts of meat (or in this case, running backs), and there's even some interesting deserts (wide receivers). But you reach for the bananas -- yes, tight ends are the bananas of the NFL. No one gets excited about bananas. They're somewhat useful, but you can't build a meal (or an offense) around them. Plus, you already have a bunch of bananas at home, and they're rapidly turning brown and mushy. You say, "No, it'll be different this time. I'll use those bananas. I can put them on cereal, or mix them in a protein shake, or even eat them on their own." But deep down inside, you know you're lying to yourself... those bananas are going to sit on the counter until they grow black and mushy and you toss them into the garbage with a shrug thinking, "Why do I always buy bananas?" Honestly, you don't even know what to do with them -- Do you put them on the counter? Do you put them in the fridge? Do you place them in a brown paper bag and store them in a cool place? It's the same thing with tight ends -- Do you use them in pass blocking schemes? Do they support the run? Do they open up the passing game? No one really knows, which is why tight ends remain one of the universe's great mysteries... right up there with bananas.

The Steelers seem to think they have it all figured out though. They spelled out their reasons yesterday, and the "Post-Gazette" was there to catalog them all. I honestly hope they figure out a way to get a little banana up in the offensive scheme next season, or else we're going to wind up with some expensive brown mush sitting on the counter.

well, this should be interesting

2007-04-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

So Randy Moss is a Patriot now? Huh, and I thought I couldn't hate the Patriots more.

It's actually a win-win... either the insufferable Moss is reigned in and -- at least in terms of moronic sound bytes -- silenced, or his attitude grows like a cancer on the annoyingly bulletproof Patriots and tears them down from within. I'd say that it'll be fun watching Belichick blow his hoodie trying to manage Moss, but it's not fun watching Belichick do anything.

You know why the Patriots did it… they told themselves that Moss has just been unmotivated, surrounded by subpar talent in recent years, and that perhaps it's not actually the advance of time that's accounted for his drop in productivity (and frankly, it's hard to imagine anyone doing good work in Minnesota or Oakland the past couple seasons). Surely, the Patriots -- they of the unflinching character and unwavering dedication to team -- can get the S.S. Moss back on course (that course, presumably, flowing to the end zone at least a few times). And gosh, for just the cost of a fourth round draft pick, it certainly seems like a deal, right?

But much like the National Bohemian my pal Steve was pawning off on me on Saturday, you're likely to pay a much, much bigger price down the road.

because there's nothing funnier than a drunk cat

2007-04-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should be blogging about the NFL draft right now, but since the Steelers took a punter in the fourth round (and traded up to do it), I'm having a hard time mustering anything akin to excitement about the whole process. So instead, I'm offering a dispatch from the heart of Central PA, courtesy of my road trip home this weekend for a friend's birthday party.

So it's creeping up on midnight on Saturday night and a brilliant spring moon is shining down on the rolling hills of the Susquehanna valley. I'm standing next to a roaring bonfire sipping on a National Bohemian ("the pride of Baltimore… $10 a case" my pal Steve keeps yelling to no one in particular) as the soundtrack to "Super Fly" rolls out across the expanse of farmland that's our base for the night. About 20 of us have been bar crawling and carrying on for more than eight hours at this point, and the evening feels like it's teetering on the brink of either mayhem or exhaustion (it was really a coin flip at that point).

Suddenly, the door of the farmhouse bangs open with a clatter and our pal Brian marches out with a portable filmscreen and sets it up in the middle of, well, nothing. A few minutes later, he's wheeling a cart carrying a 16mm projector out into the yard and snaking an extension cord into the house. A film canister clangs open, the machine is loaded, and soon the garbled fanfare of a thousand educational films sputters from tinny speakers. For the next 12 glorious minutes, we were introduced to "The Cat Who Drank and Used Too Much."

The producers explain: "Pat the Cat started innocently enough with a drink or two with meals, but progressed to sneaking drinks, being obsessed with drinking and experimenting with other substances. Finally, Pat the Cat couldn't take it anymore. Pat needed help and the help was there. "

What's not mentioned in the official description above is that Pat the Cat's journey includes shots of an actual cat lapping from what looks like a tumbler of Scotch, licking at a bottle of pills and eventually moving on to cocaine. Pat spirals out of control (swatting at other cats, falling lazily from her cat condo) until she eventually gets behind the wheel of a toy car... tragedy, of course, follows (and the chief rule of comedy -- at least around the bonfire -- is that tragedy + alcohol = comedy). Adding to the film's surreal vibe is the fact that all of this is told to us by a narrator who sounds eerily like Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs." The post-screening workbook was the icing on the cake. FMS Productions notes that the film has won 24 major awards… undoubtedly one of them is "Most Awesome Movie Ever About a Feline Junkie."

I had hoped that YouTube would provide a chance for repeated viewings, or that at least a tribute site or two would have captured this in all of it's glory, but it seems the internet has failed me (at least it turned up that Mean Joe Coca-Cola ad).

There were certainly other highlights -- the fire, the clothing-optional foosball, the tales of alcohol-related incontinence, the Redd Foxx albums, the breakfast buffet, and my brief stint masquerading as a mailman -- but Pat was clearly the MVP. Consider this a personal heads-up... Pat the cat is worth hunting down.

"Cleveland Brown," the new "butterface"

2007-04-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a hectic week, hence the lack of posts, but I return with this gem courtesy of the Howard Stern Show:

"She's what we call a Cleveland Brown -- the uniform looks alright, but the helmet's f---ing ugly."

There you have it: "Cleveland Brown" has officially replaced "butterface." Please update your glossaries accordingly.

Primetime Steelers and Victoria's Not-So Secret

2007-04-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

The Steelers' 2007 schedule was released today, which of course demands some sort of chirping on my part, but first, a few angry thoughts from this morning's commute:

Dear ladies,
Please refrain from using your V ictoria's Secret shopping bag as a tote bag. This is neither provocative nor alluring. It's lame, fairly tasteless, and it makes me wonder what sort of lace-fringed concoction you've got crawling up your backside (which, sadly, is not nearly as playful a dreamscape as you might imagine). We get it: you are a lady with lady-type needs who enjoys lady-type things. I'm sure your scented candle collection is very impressive. But seriously, no one needs to know where you buy your underwear. May I suggest an actual tote bag? I hear they come in a variety of colors and styles now. If the suggested changes aren't implemented, I'll be forced to start carting my stuff around in a bag from "Gary's Nut-Huggers."
Thank you, the management

Now, on to the Steelers...
We get five chances to watch the Steelers in primetime this season, probably more than an 8-8 team deserves, but I suppose the networks know that the Steelers put asses in seats (as they say). The Steelers have two Monday night games: one against the eternally hated Baltimore Ravens on November 5, and another against the Miami Dolphins on November 26 (ah, Thanksgiving with Joey Porter). They will play two Sunday night games -- one against the Broncos on October 21 (it won't be the same without Jake Plummer) and one against Cincinnati on December 2 (though that could be cancelled depending on how many Bengals are behind bars by the time December rolls around) -- and one Thursday night game against the Rams on December 20. The season starts September 9 against the Browns (always good to lead with a laugh, I guess), and also brings interesting matchups against the 49ers (September 23), the Patriots (December 9) and a Super Bowl rematch against the Seahawks (October 7). Bye week comes on October 14, so try to squeeze all your personal commitments in that weekend.
The most important date, however, is November 18 when the Steelers come to the Meadowlands to play the Jets. Expect much tailgating... details to follow here and at SteelersNYC.com.

in case you were wondering...

2007-04-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

have you been trying to figure out whatever happened to Troy Edwards? me neither, but just in case the though crosses your mind, you can find him in Grand Rapids playing arena ball for the rampage. Now to Steeler fans, the name is almost as synonymous with unmet offensive potential as "Cliff Stoudt" (ALMOST)... the Steelers made Edwards the 13th overall pick in the NFL draft back in 1999 ahead of Jevon Kearse, Kevin Faulk, Peerless Price, Brandon Stokley, and a host of other guys who went on to have fairly decent careers (the Steelers also opted for safety Scott Shields in the second round... thank god they grabbed Joey Porter and Aaron Smith in the later rounds). Edwards had a strong rookie season, then petered out and saw his exit hastened by the arrival of Plaxico Burress. He did time with the Rams and Jaguars and was last seen in the NFL back in 2005 when he played three games for the Lions (they're still technically an NFL team, right?).
It's worth noting, the Rampage are currently 2-3, and Edwards is third on the team in receiving yards.

looking ahead

2007-04-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

- the bosses of the various Steeler families got together late last week to talk about the upcoming season and to map out plans for a New York takeover. we've got a few New York area off-season events coming up, and the season will bring the usual -- gameday specials and Steelers music at Texas-Arizona, Steeler raffles, road trips, t-shirts, etc. -- and the unusual -- a chance to tailgate in our backyard when the Steelers come to the Meadowlands to play the Jets. more details to come here and over at SteelersNYC.com, but just talking about this stuff (even in the vaguest of terms) and of course seeing all the familiar faces already has me geeked for the season.

- so the Pirates have their home opener today (expected temperature when the first pitch is thrown is 38 degrees). after 6-3 win over the Reds, the Pirates bring a 4-2 to PNC Park after a 6-game road trip to start the season... not bad for a team that didn't rack up it's fourth road win until May 20 last year.
why do I bring that up? because when you're a Pirates fan, you learn to savor the small pockets of joy. I'll enjoy a strong April, fearing a May collapse. I'll take a post-All Star break surge from a team that's been out of contention since Memorial Day. I'll even take a drubbing at home if it means I get to enjoy decent seats and warm pierogies... these are the things you savor as a Pirates fan.

- and speaking of underdogs, big ups to Matt Serra for his first-round knock out of George St-Pierre Saturday night to take the UFC Welterweight Championship. To put it in familiar terms, this is like the Pirates sweeping the Yankees to win the World Series... or the Steelers winning three straight road playoff games on their way to a Super Bowl championship (yeah, I'm still not over that). I was lucky enough to meet Matt when I was out in Las Vegas in December for the Ortiz-Liddell fight, and he was very nice, very open, and very friendly (much friendlier than any guy with his skill set needs to be). St-Pierre is a decent fellow too, and will undoubtedly come back, but it was great to see Serra win the belt.

the countdown begins

2007-04-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

There's no better way to celebrate the start of baseball season than to look right past it and on to football season. The Steelers pre-season schedule has been released, and it all starts August 5 with the Hall of Fame Game... so now apparently I need to pay attention to the Hall of Fame Game. Their August 26 pre-season game against the Eagles will also be carried live on national TV, so you get two chances to savor the efforts of a bunch of fourth string guys who won't make the cut (or as I like to call them, "future Browns").

Let's breakdown the pre-season, shall we?
8/5 - New Orleans Saints @ Hall of Fame Game (undoubtedly the biggest party to hit Canton since Namath's induction party)
8/11 - Green Bay Packers (how much Brett Favre do you get here? one series? two? do they even make him dress for this one?)
8/18 - @ Washington Redskins (here's hoping that Clinton Portis is at mid-season crazy by this point)
8/26 - Philadelphia Eagles (now that my disparaging Jeff Garcia signs have been rendered useless, I don't care about this game)
8/30 - @ Carolina Panthers (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

getting used to the new place

2007-04-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

So it's been almost two years since I updated my blog over at SteelersNYC.com. I chose to blame that on tools instead of laziness, inability to prioritize, alcohol or anything else, so I'm porting the whole thing over here. Yes, I'm sure this will work out much better.

To mark the move to the new digs, I'm pulling a gem out of the vault -- my list of why the Steelers are better than every other team in the NFL. Enjoy, jagoffs...

Who better?

If, like me, you're a Steelers fan making your living somewhere other than western PA, you've probably been approached more than once and asked, "Why do you like the Steelers?" It's an asinine question, and the people who ask it usually follow-up with a laundry list of things that they think are wrong with the Steelers.
They, of course, are wrong, but they did inspire me to explain my devotion to the Steelers by breaking down what's wrong with every other team in the NFL.
Philadelphia Eagles - Like school in July... no class.
New York Giants - Um, they don't actually play in New York.
New York Jets - See above.
Dallas Cowboys - From Jerry Jones to Ed "Too Tall" Jones, a rich history of jackasses.
Green Bay Packers - The closest thing to the Steelers out there, but the yellow helmets and cheese-heads gots to go.
Chicago Bears - Another hard-working, hard-hitting team, but they'll never get over the horror of "The Super Bowl Shuffle." Picking up Kordell for a cup of coffee didn't help.
Baltimore Ravens - Uniforms that would embarrass the World League, and conduct that would embarrass Death Row Records.
Washington Redskins - They finally gave Steve Spurrier a shot in the NFL, and we can always hate them for it.
Detroit Lions - There's no room for powder blue in football.
Minnesota Vikings - Thanks for Super Bowl IX... now get back on the party boat.
New Orleans Saints - Giving black & gold a bad name.
Tampa Bay Bucs - They introduced us to Warren Sapp, which is pretty unforgiveable.
Atlanta Falcons - If you've ever cut Deion Sanders a check, I have no time for you.
Carolina Panthers - Pitt called, they want their mascot back.
San Francisco 49ers - Nice run in the '80s... but the Steelers of the '70s did it first.
Arizona Cardinals - You could fit the entire crowd at one of their home games into a 1965 VW bus.
New England Patriots - Upgraded their uniforms from a man bending over to something from an XFL clearance sale.
St. Louis Rams - If you've ever bailed on a city for a "better deal," you're not in my book.
Tennessee Titans - See above. They're still the Oilers to me.
Oakland Raiders - Again, see above. Plus, there's Al Davis, the one man keeping Grecian Formula in business.
Indianapolis Colts - I'm noticing a trend here. Established in the most cowardly and devious act in the history of the NFL, the notorious overnight move from Baltimore in 1984.
Houston Texans - They hired Kris Brown.
Miami Dolphins - You wear aqua and orange and you're named after a fish.
Jacksonville Jaguars - A legacy of crap dating all the way back to 1995.
Denver Broncos - You know what I like about the Broncos? Nothing.
San Diego Chargers - Named after static electricity. Scary.
Buffalo Bills - Norwood? Levy? How does this team still have fans?
Kansas City Chiefs - This is one of those teams that you forget when you're trying to name all the teams in the NFL. That says it all.
Seattle Seahawks - Never, ever, ever to be forgiven for the embarrassment of Franco Harris' last few games in the NFL.
Cincinnati Bengals - Siegfried and Roy called. They want their uniforms back.
Cleveland Browns - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.