Bye Week Blues: Hockey, Bengals, And That Bitchin' Polamalu Commercial

How much do I hate football this week? Well, the Steelers are on a bye, and because of the cruel gods of fantasy football, I need to root for Jamal Lewis tonight (actually, I'd rather just wave goodbye to the league fees than pull for the Browns).

So with football kicking me squarely in the crotch of my Toughskins, I'm instead going to focus on hockey. Actually, I'm going to focus on our buddy Jim focussing on hockey. You see, before there was Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers, there was Yinz Luv 'Da Guins. It's all the insight and awesomeness you've come to expect from Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers, but with more ice...

But for those who still need their dose of Stillers, Jim's doing double duty. This week, he uses the bye week to check in on the sad, deluded indivduals who choose to follow other NFL teams...

And because I'm a giving soul, I provide the following links of dubious origin:
- I knew this commercial was rad. I did not know it was directed by David Fincher, which makes it even radder...

- So where the hell is Limas Sweed? You know, the guy we took in the second round who is now officially number 5 on the wide receiver depth chart. Well, he suited up for the Jacksonville game, but will likely be deactivated for the Cincy game. The problem? Holding onto the ball.

- How bad are things for our next opponent? Even Canada calls them the Bungles.

- Another opinion: "We're pretty much inept." -- Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski

Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers: Week 4

My pal Jim is back with another episode of "Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers," this time with some inspiration for the sagging offense. As always, Jim delivers, so check it out, then go over to MySpace, friend him, and enjoy the weekly goodness (ya jagoffs).

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

In a move that surprised no one (except those of us eagerly awaiting the return of Frank Pollard), the Steelers once again signed Najeh Davenport to help fill out a backfield that lost its first, second and third strings guys in the span of eight days. Najeh worked out for the team this morning and signed his new contract this afternoon (presumably he'll celebrate at Fat Heads tonight). That sound you hear is the rush of millions of fantasy football owners scurrying to the waver wire to snatch him up (come on, a guy a who didn't make the squad this summer and has now been tapped to play behind a depleted offensive line is a total sure thing... Don't call me a homer... Why are you still looking at me?). It's a solid move -- he knows the offense, he's in playing shape, and you really can’t say no to the star of "Full Clip"...

The Steelers are expected to sign Gary Russell from the practice squad as well, torpedoing my plans to shoot an audition tape this afternoon (dismantle the obstacle course, kids... No, I don’t care what you do with the tires... Just throw them in the river).

Davenport and Russell will likely step into the depth chart behind Mewelde Moore and this guy (great speed, but I worry about his size).

Steelers RB Woes: The Shallow End Of The Depth Chart

Few things feel as good as a win over the Ravens, but last night was costly (not just because I stayed up too late and overslept this morning, though that's kind of a bringdown too). Willie Parker was already sidelined, but Rashard Mendenahll and Carey Davis were knocked out as well (which I think makes me the team's starting running back). Some people are suggesting we check back in on Najeh Davenport (he knows the offense, though he may have already sold all his Steelers practice gear on eBay). But why stop there? Here are a few other familiar roads the Steelers might want to travel down:

Walter Abercrombie











Pros: A legitimate threat as a rusher and receiver (well, 20 years ago, anyway). Plus, his old jersey number 34 is suddenly very available.
Cons: Despite what the WDVE playlist might indicate, it is no longer 1988.



Tim Worley
















Pros: Collegiate stand-out and 7th pick overall in the 1988 draft who showed tremendous promise. Injuries held him back from fully reaching his potential (hey, he's due!).
Cons: Probably best to avoid anyone who's been tasered in the past 6 months.



Bam Morris














Pros: His size was always more important than his speed... And let's face it, while he might not be any faster, he's most likely plenty big. Plus, he's eager to play, telling reporters two years ago, "If the Steelers would want to sign me, they wouldn't have to even buy me a plane ticket to get there. I'd drive."
Cons: Welllllll…
















Barry 'Bananas' Foster

Pros: Racked up almost 1,700 yards and 12 100+ yard games in 1992. Smart enough to retire with money in the bank, and stayed involved in football coaching in Europe. And he's still just 39 (that's not old, right? Right?)
Cons: Ok, it's old.

Frank Pollard

Pros: Lumbering tank of a man who placed the Steelers on his shoulders and rumbled through the '80s (even with Mark Malone as his QB). Bonus points for the Lamb Of God track "Terror and Hubris in the House of Frank Pollard."
Cons: None. He's Frank f---ing Pollard!

Dry Your Eyes, Steeler Nation

There's nothing like a crap Steeler performance to darken your week. You have to wait a full week for redemption, or in this case -- with a Monday Night Football matchup against the Ravens on deck -- the stench of game 3 will linger for eight long days. Mornings seem colder, work days feel longer, and every paper jam seems to happen to you.

Clearly, we all need a pick-me-up. Maybe a bouquet from FTD, or a delightful coffee treat? No, this calls for something a little stronger.

How about this?

Yes, that's it. Suddenly, all is right with the world. See you Monday, Baltimore.

STEELERS-EAGLES: WEEK 3 REP_RT

In case I had f_rg_tten h_w much I hated the Eagles, they were kind en_ugh t_ sh_w up yesterday and remind me (if _nly the Steelers _ffensive line had sh_wn up as well). Let's face it: it was ugly… like meth addict ugly. It was a sick d_g _f a game mercifully put d_wn by the final gun. Thank g_d f_r the Ir_n City bucket specials at Texas-Ariz_na.

If y_u assumed that str_ng games against the Texans and Br_wns were an indicati_n that all was well in Steeler Nati_n, think again. Might be time t_ re-evaluate that line… _r at the very least, surr_und Ben with barbed wire f_r his _wn safety. The _ffensive perf_rmance was s_ weak _n every level, that the highest grade any unit g_t fr_m the P_st-Gazette was a D f_r the receivers. The defense sc_red Bs acr_ss the b_ard and managed t_ keep it cl_ser than it had a right t_ be. But that anemic _ffense perf_rmance c_upled with a gameplan that had many a Steeler fan scratching under their hard hats (where's Mendenhall? where are the quick slant r_utes? why was there n_ answer t_ the Eagles blitz?), and we're lucky we g_t every_ne _ut alive.

Next up, the Ravens. Much is being made _f the fact that the Ravens are "at_p the AFC N_rth." As a reminder, they've played all _f tw_ games, s_ keep y_ur purple helmets in check, bird watchers.

And yes, there's no "O" in the above post… just like the Steelers attack yesterday.

Send in the Browns

I could try to sum up last night game's, but Jim at Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers has perfectly distilled three hours of human drama (and the decades of turmoil that preceded them) into a breezy 6 minutes...



Now don't get me wrong -- very few things feel as good as beating the Browns. But before we all get tendonitis whipping our towels around, remember, it's the Browns. It's not like we beat an actual professional team. And honestly, we didn't look that good -- dropped passes, some lack of fire on the line, and Ben's strongest performance of the night might have been the stiff-arm he gave Andrea Kraemer during that interview (certainly cooler than that "Red Shoe Diary"-worthy performance she gave Tom Brady). I'm willing to file the Texans and Browns under "pre-season games 5 & 6"... Things will be a bit tougher when the Steelers head to Philly next week (and by the way, what's with the Steelers playing the Eagles in the pre-season, and then again in Week 3??? Was that 16-10 shoot-em-up so captivating that we need a sequel? And isn't the point of pre-season scheduling to test yourself against teams you'll NEVER see in the regular season? Somehow, I blame Buddy Ryan).

Oh, and do yourself a favor and head to YouTube and subscribe to Yinz Luv 'Da Stillers or visit Jim on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/yinzluvdastillers. Pure gold.

Steeler Nation Travels Well

A lot of people (and by "a lot of people," I mean my parole officer) have noticed my absence around these parts. Have I given up the blog? Am I no longer living by the black and gold ethos? Am I chained to a radiator somewhere? Rest easy, friends. Between mourning the passing of Myron Cope, Dwight White and our once potent pass rush, I've been a bit sidetracked.

So where have I been? The short answer is that I've been working (the long answer involves a lot of info that you may be encouraged to cough up to a Federal prosecutor at some point, so we're all better off sticking with the short version). This work takes me to some exotic, breathtaking locales. Inspired by these surroundings, I did what any good Steeler fan would do -- I stood in the middle of them waving a Terrible Towel (consider it my off-season workout).

CANNES, FRANCE -- 5/16/08

It's the pinnacle of international filmmaking, host to the most celebrated filmmakers of our age. It's where Oscar winners are unveiled and where blockbusters play to their first packed houses. It's the Cannes Film Festival, the most renowned film festival in the world. And now it's officially been all Steeler-ed up. (Important note: I didn't get my picture taken with Harrison Ford, but I did manage to get this shot… because I'm an idiot.)



UP NEXT -- MONTE CARLO

Life Without The Steelers... It Ain't Pretty

The Steelers bye week gave me the chance to check out what the rest of the NFL calls football. It wasn't pretty...

BROWNS 41 - DOLPHINS 31
The Joey Porter-enhanced Dolphins D gave up 41 points to the Browns as the fish slipped to 0-6. Probably not the return they were looking for on their $32 million investment in Joey. Through six games, he doesn't have a single sack, and yesterday, he was beaten for a big TD by longtime verbal (and sometimes literal) sparring partner, Kellen Winslow, Jr. No doubt, if there was a "lemon law" in the NFL, the Dolphins would be towing Joey back to the lot right about now.

PANTHERS 25 - CARDINALS 10
Apparently a top-op somewhere slipped up and accidentally rolled game footage from 9 years ago. That can really be the only explanation for the fact that I was seeing Kurt Warner and Vinny Testaverde behind center.

CHIEFS 27 - BENGALS 20
You know why Tony Gonzalez went bananas this week and put up two touchdowns? Because I traded him away in my Fantasy league. You're welcome, Kansas City.

PACKERS 17 - REDSKINS 14
Even when Brett Favre stinks, he's kind of great (or at least great enough to beat the 'Skins).

EAGLES 16 - JETS 9
This game was ugly... Like "Teri Hatcher without makeup" ugly. I realize that we live in the shadow of the Meadowlands, but Fox 5 really should have shown some mercy and cut away to a "M.A.S.H." rerun or something.

VIKINGS 34 - BEARS 31
Remember the old days of the NFC Central (yeah, "Central"), when hard-nosed teams played hard-nosed football... You know, with defense and everything? For a second, I thought I was watching two kids lighting up Madden '08.

BUCCANEERS 13 - TITANS 10
Conventional football wisdom says that games that come down to a last-second field goal are exciting. Sometimes, conventional football wisdom is wrong... painfully wrong.

JAGUARS 37 - TEXANS 17
And they laughed at me when I drafted Maurice Jones-Drew in the third round. Who's laughing now? Mr. 129-yards-rushing-and-two-touchdowns, that's who.

RAVENS 22 - RAMS 3
I missed this one... Did the Rams miss the player bus from the hotel Sunday morning?

CHARGERS 28 - RAIDERS 14
This is supposed to be the place where I say something about "the real LaDainian Tomlinson" finally showing up and racking up four TDs. Instead, since I'm bitter that he's not on my team, I'll instead ask if the Chargers offense allows anyone else to touch the ball.

SAINTS 28 - SEAHAWKS 17
I said it last week, and I'll say it again today: the Seahawks suck. I bet they miss Brian Bosworth.

This Just In: Willie Parker Still Awesome

If you're like me, you spend the better part of your day daydreaming about revenge fantasies. So imagine the rich, creamy taste of vengeance and vindication that Willie Parker savored when he hoisted the Lombardi trophy high above his head after Super Bowl XL and thought about the rocket scientists who benched him in college:

How does a different kind of competitor respond when he can't compete? That's what Parker faced at UNC, where he barely played after coach John Bunting took over in December 2000 and decided Parker needed to put on weight to comply with the team's new power-running offense. "We were tough and hard when we first came in," says former UNC running backs coach Andre Powell, now at Clemson. "We knew Willie was talented; we just wanted guys to do it the way we wanted it done. In retrospect, I wish we'd been more tactful."

Unless "tactful" is some form of new-fangled slang for "able to assess pure football talent," I don't quite think coach is using it properly. Though football smarts like this make this guy a shoe-in when the Giants head coaching gig finally opens up.

Check out the whole story at ESPN.com.

An Important Message...

Week 2 Wrap-Up

NFL WEEK 2 POWER RANKINGS
1. Pittsburgh Steelers: an offense that moves at will, and a defense that doesn't budge... Plus, Mike Tomlin looks like he could break off his foot in your ass
2. O.J. Simpson: still a viable threat after all these years
3. Steve Smith: single-handedly pulling my nads out of the fantasy football fire
4. Pats, Lies and Videotape: eclipsed by O.J., but still an early front-runner for scandal of the year
5. the Cincinnati Bengals defense: the funniest thing I've seen on TV since "30 Rock"
6. Brett Favre: what is this guy, 80? who's laughing now? not me... I kept him on my fantasy bench
7. chicken fingers: still my go-to call at halftime
8. The Hand of God: Jon Kitna says "a miracle" wiped away his concussion symptoms... I say the miracle is that the Lions are 2-0
9. Larry Johnson vs. MySpace: hard for this story to find light behind the Pats tape library and O.J.'s return to the pokey, but any story that involves someone impersonating a star athlete is gold... One that involves them impersonating a star athlete on MySpace and cutting a hip-hop track is pure platinum
10. Kanye West, "Stronger": yes, he needs to quit whining, but this is the jam... I mean, he's no LJ, but he's got promise


WEEK TWO FANTASY FOOTBALL BREAKDOWN (I'm in two leagues, so twice the tragedy for me to recap for you each week)
League 1
P. Manning QB -- 21
M. Barber RB -- 20
M. Jones-Drew RB -- 4
M. Furrey WR -- 6
J. Galloway WR -- 25
S. Holmes WR -- 5
T. Gonzalez TE -- 4
N. Kaeding K -- 2
Steelers DST -- 6
TOTAL -- 93
Monday morning quarterback sez: despite Manning, Barber, and Galloway, I still lost by 15... My team has all the depth of a season of "The Hills."

League 2
M. Leinart QB -- 14
F. Gore RB -- 20
D. McAllister RB -- 3
S. Smith WR -- 33
H. Ward WR -- 5
T. Gonzalez TE -- 4
R. Gould K -- 9
Steelers DST -- 10
TOTAL -- 98
Monday morning quarterback sez: despite Deuce not showing up and Gonzalez killing me in two leagues, I'm currently up by 45 in this matchup... my opponent still has Brian Westbrook going tonight, but unless he touches the ball on every single snap -- and takes up kicking duties -- I think I'm in the clear.

Lost Vegas

You: Where the hell have you been?

Me: See above.

That's Josh from Queens of the Stone Age and Cee-Lo playing with the Foo Fighters in a hotel room on top of the Palms. I was in Vegas working the Video Music Awards (no, I had nothing to do with the Britney thing) for a couple weeks there... a span that included the opening weekend of the NFL season, which raised a bit of a dilemma: do you bet the Steelers?

My daily work wanderings took me past the Palms sportsbook roughly 10 times a day. I'd stand there, glassy-eyed, like Chubsy Ubsy licking a bakery window in a Little Rascals movie. The line was too good to be true -- the Steelers were a 4-point favorite over the Browns... a measly 4 points... and the Browns were starting Charlie Frye. It was like the Palms got tired of holding all that cash, and decided to give it away. I spent all week telling anyone who had ever heard of the NFL that it was the lock of the week, and that they should drop as much cash as they could scrape together on the game. But could I take my own advice?

Now, I have no problem loading up on Steelers in my fantasy football leagues (frankly, it's just not fantasy football unless I've got the Steelers D). But so far, I've been far too superstitious to plunk down money on the outcome of a Steelers game... It just feels like the ultimate jinx. But by the time Sunday rolled around, the promise of such a sure thing (combined with a week's worth of whiskey and a pep talk from my boss) had eroded away my superstitions. I had decided to bet it, and bet it big... Like, Artie Lange big. Like, "I'm going to get my kneecaps smashed and lose the house if it doesn't pan" out big. Sunday morning rolled around, and we all moved into position for rehearsals. Just had to get through the morning rehearsal, then get over to the sportsbook to bet the black and gold. Of course, I hadn't really taken into account that the morning in Vegas is kickoff back east, so by the time rehearsal wrapped, the Steelers had already opened their can off whoop-ass, and Charlie Frye was already on his way out of Cleveland. There would be no monstrous bet, no huge Vegas payday, and no chance to "make it rain" at the Spearmint Rhino (unless I was going to do that with nickels, which the ladies usually frown on). And because I'm a tool, I'm taking the whole thing as confirmation of my superstitions... It was not my own stupidity that kept me from placing that bet, it was the football gods. Well, the football gods, and the good folks at the Jack Daniels distillery, working in conjunction to cloud my mind.

Sunday Night Steeler Thoughts

Some random notes, thoughts, and observations from last night's preseason game against the Eagles:

- Madden says he doesn't believe all the talk about the Steelers opening up the offense this season. Where was he when I was picking up Santonio Holmes in my fantasy draft?

- NBC goes to commercial teasing their interview with Mike Tomlin while playing U2's ode to Martin Luther King, "Pride (In the Name of Love)"... subtle.

- Tomlin tells Andrea Kremer, "The tape will tell the story. It doesn't matter what we say. It's about what we do." This is the kind of quote 'Burghers chisel into their lunchboxes. I love this guy already.

- Steelers Quiz: which nightmare-inducing QB of years past was Ben most like on his lame duck INT?
A) Cliff Stoudt
B) Mark Malone
C) Kent Graham
D) Bubby Brister
YOU MAKE THE CALL!

- The D swats at McNabb, prompting the wife to declare, "Splat. Take that, stupid Eagle." She's on the short list to replace Madden some day.

- Wow, a 14-yard punt. What round did we draft this kid in? Oh, the fourth. Super. We should have grabbed a crazy Australian giant, like the Eagles did.

- There's nothing like seeing the one-man offensive assault known as Dan Kreider rumble downfield... It's like watching a bull on ice skates.

- "Is Faneca rocking a fucking moustache? NICE!" Yes, the wife has found something else to be excited about.

- A great effort by Heath Miller wiped out by a bone-headed effort by Parker. Penalties, turnovers... Well, the tape is telling the story so far.

- Parker redeems himself with a TD run that I have to rewind 10 times on my Tivo to savor the complete beauty of it. Everyone picking up their blocks, Willie careening through them... Truly a majestic sight.

- Najeh turns a screen pass into a 33-yard gain. And they laughed at me when I picked him up in the 15th round of my fantasy draft. Yeah, I'm a homer... sue me.

- "The Eagles have nice helmets, until you realize that it's a big bird, and then it just seems kind of gay." And thus the network cools on the idea of putting giving the wife a mic on live TV.

- Are the Eagles really trying to ice the kicker in a preseason game? I'd call it moronic if it hadn't almost worked. Even I am not enough of a homer to put Reed on my fantasy roster.

- Wait, who's that guy in the end zone? Kevan Barlow? Where's he been hiding?

First roster cuts coming today, with the final wave coming Saturday. Most interesting moves should be at RB, where Barlow, Davenport, Carey Davis, Verron Haynes, Gary Russell, John Kuhn, and Larry Croom are all vying for a spot on the roster behind Parker. Again, I vote for the return of Frank Pollard.

Steely McBeam makes me Angry McHate

A lot of people have asked me I think about Steely McBeam. It's not lost on me that these people can't say his name without laughing... not a good sign.

Reaction within the black and gold fan base ranges from "what the hell?" to "what the f---?" My response is unprintable (not because it's obscene, but rather because there's no word for the deeply wounded and disappointed groan that escaped my mouth when saw SM for the first time... yes, his initials are S and M). Honestly, I'm hoping that the collective groans of Steeler Nation send him back into mothballs by week four.

But just in case the Steeler brass don't want to give up on this whole mascot thing just yet, I pulled together a list of potential replacements (since it's only a matter of time before an irate tailgater sends Steely tumbling into the waters of the Monongahela).

Manny Primanti - A giant foam tribute to the 'Burgh's favorite sandwich. Imagine the joy as youngsters scramble to pick up the stray fries and slaw strands that drip from his overstuffed innards as he runs around the stadium.

IC Man - Instead of drawing inspiration from the gay steel mill depicted in "The Simpson," why not poach the spirit of Springfield's Duff Man? There's only one thing that could make a Steeler fan happier than a can of IC -- a GIANT can of IC.

The Chief - A loving tribute to the patron saint of all things Steelers. He could even hand out cigars to the kids.

The winner of the PNC Park Pierogie Race - It would give Oliver Onion a reason to run, and bring Pirate fans closer to a "playoff atmosphere" than they've been in over a decade.

Frank Pollard - I mean, he's probably available.

it's good to be back

Oh sweet hot mustard, it's good to have football back. More specifically, it's good to have winning football back. Yes, it's just the preseason, but the Steelers looked sharp (something they never, ever seem to do in the preseason... I'm used to saying, "It's ok, we still have four more games to work out the kinks" at this time of year).

Yes, pitchers of beer, chicken fingers and a Steelers offense that could move the ball at will... Surely life doesn't get much better. A recap of the night's more pleasant surprises:

- slow starter Ben Roethlisberger playing like it's week 6

- human punchline Cedrick Wilson becoming the go-to guy downfield

- RB Carey Davis doing his best Barry Foster (minus the rampant injuries)

- William Gay's first impression: an interception and a hit on Robert Meachum that landed him a spot in heavy rotation on Sportscenter

- tough D over the middle, most notably from rookie LaMarr Woodley (and to think, after the days of David Woodley, I thought I never wanted to see that name on the back of a jersey again)

- the crowd at Texas-Arizona, where more than 100 Steeler fans came out for a preseason game... yeah. Tell me we aren't ready for football.

- and, of course, the quote of the night: "If Cowher was still here, we'd only be up 9-7."